john and heather

john brought the guinea pigs back up tonight. was good to get them back, since i hadn't seen them since 12 july when i dropped them off on my way down to virginia. we had lamb gyros from saad's at 45th and walnut (yum!), then i turned on the 'puter to show him the pictures of ciara and of california. he agreed that ciara was cute, but halfway through the king range pictures he said "borogoves, we need to talk. i'm seeing someone."

her name is heather. she was (is?) his latin dance instructor (group class). she's 24, getting a masters in social work, and a native of delaware (lives off of foulk road near concord pike--near that intersection with the garden store and the wawa, actually). they went to casablanca (the restaurant, not the moroccan city) for their first date, on 14 july.

of course, this is what i wanted. i broke up with him, remember? in addition to wanting to live on my own, in philly, i wanted him (and me) to have more experience dating. i was his first girlfriend. he was my second serious boyfriend. but now that the moment has come....... it hurts. i knew it would; i had thought about this moment before, and knew it would hurt when it arrived. it feels just like i thought it would.

i know that it's (a) selfish and (b) completely unreasonable, but i want him to always want me. i want him to always harbor regret for it not having worked out between us. i don't want him to arrive back home tonight and immediately call heather. i don't want another woman to be the most important in his life. yes, i KNOW. that is riDICulous. of course, what i *really* want is to not feel so damned insecure. i want a relationship where the guy is as attracted to and infatuated by me as i am by him. i want a boyfriend. not just a coupla dates.

why am i crying? why do i feel so suddenly insecure?

because i feel replaceable.