jealousy

karl's. not mine.

after a party saturday, karl was all quiet and withdrawn. finally i pulled out of him that he was uncomfortable/upset with my behavior with kevin, a fellow grad student who happens to be gay.

kevin's standard way of greeting me at parties is to wrap his hand around my waist, bring me in close, and say (in an over-the-top, pretending-to-be-a-player kind of way) "hey baby, what's up?" i forget how it started, but kevin bent me backwards, then slid down til he was squatting in front of me. whole thing lasted maybe 30 seconds. i'm used to this behavior from kevin, and it doesn't bother me, because i know he doesn't mean anything by it. it's a game of sorts, where kevin pretends, however briefly, to be straight.

anyway, karl doesn't like it. several things going on, obviously. one is what other people think (about the way karl is "letting" his girlfriend behave). another is that karl isn't totally sure that kevin is 100% gay, and that maybe kevin uses this game to get some action on the side, if you will. there are probably other things as well.

we had a talk, of course, and he knows that (a) he's not in control of me and (b) it doesn't matter what other people think and (c) kevin is *definitely* not interested in me and (d) if i thought he was, even just a little bit, i wouldn't let him do what he does and (e) what he does do is never physically inappropriate, anyway.

i think he feels better, but i also think that i'm going to be more aware of this kind of thing in the future. and i'm torn. on the one hand, the way i behave does not require karl's permission. on the other hand, his feelings are legitimate, and i don't want to belittle them. on the third hand (me: a hindu goddess), if he's bothered by this he needs to loosen up. on the fourth hand, i need to respect his limits. back and forth.