ups and downs

i've been having some fits of depression lately. sometimes up, sometimes down. one day last week i stopped in jen's office to give her a cd i'd burned for her and in the process of conversation with her and diana i mentioned that i was sorta looking for a way to get a ritalin prescription, to help me focus better in preparation for my major area exams. jen and diana both freaked out, telling me how dangerous that was etc etc etc. i got a note from jen later "clearly things are not well with you--would you like to talk aboot [sic, she's canadian] about it?" the ritalin comment combined with the fact that i haven't actually started my major areas and my general restlessness with graduate school prompted her to ask. i reassured her that everything is fine, but i'm not totally sure it is.

some days i don't want to get out of bed at all, don't want to face the day. other days i'm my usual self, no major troubles. while in the drugstore the other day, i thought about picking up some st. john's wort to try to combat what i think is a minor depression. ah, self-medication...

just after i got back from the holidays, i started a diet again. but after 2 weeks of sticking to it (almost, anyway) i hadn't lost any weight, so i spent the weekend binging. urg. but i'm back on it now, and have started running again. i scaled the running back to alternating 5 mins of running and 2.5 mins of walking. i'll slowly build back up to 30 mins of running. i bought a "torso shaper" off ebay the other day--it's a wheel with handles (have you seen the abslide commercials on tv?), you use it by kneeling on hands and knees and rolling the wheel out from your body then back in again. it's tough, but i'm hoping it'll give me killer abs. 'course, it's gotta be combined with a general removal of the layer of fat hiding the muscles...

i'm trying to get my resume into some sort of shape (well, i'm trying to get a resume period, given that i've never had a real job, so i've never had to have a resume before...) to send it off to google.com. they're advertising a position for a ms or ph.d. in cognitive psychology (hello? that's me!) to be a "usability analyst". i don't think they'd hire me, actually, given my lack of experience, but i'm gonna give it a shot anyway. who knows? 'course, i don't know what i'd do if they actually offered me a job. don't know if i actually want to move out to san fran (what with rob in a live in relationship and all...). moving out there would be (a) leaving my family here on the east coast, (b) leaving my friends at penn, (c) leaving john (i know, i know, we're broken up. but we still love each other (yeah yeah, hold the eye-rolling). in fact, we just had some great sex last weekend. dunno what's going on with that). in any case, if they even offer me an interview, i can at least get a free trip out to san fran.

in other news, i'm playing the cello in a student production of twelfth night. the company is called underground bard. this is the first show. show goes up 22-24 february--i'm really looking forward to it. i broke out my cello last night to play some, tuned it up, and had a great practice. nabih, the music director and violinist, mentioned saint-saens the swan as a possibility for the show, and i haven't played that in years. but i think it sounded pretty good, considering.

's all for now--gotta go buy groceries.