dress rehearsal, tonight!
weight update

dress rehearsal for twelfth night is tonight. should be a blast, since imho we are a touch under-rehearsed. well, the musician/actor combination is, anyway. we will be playing "some mozart thingy" tonight for the first time (ah yes, sight-reading the day before the show opens!). also, the wedding march. for the first time, tonight. blech.

yesterday we managed to get the costume situation sorted out. the illyrian national string quartet will be wearing, get this, 1970s era textured white tuxedos with black velvet trim, complete with slightly flared legs. classy, i know. but, we are supposed to be flamboyant (as citizens of illyria), and our only other option (since we're raiding the glee club's costume closet) was red & white vertically striped jackets (think barber-shop quartet). we thought that was perhaps just over the top.

i'm quite glad my guests (parents, friends) are coming to the saturday night show, since we'll essentially have had 3 more rehearsals (dress plus two shows) before then. maybe we'll know when our cues are...

in other news, the st. john's wort i started taking 2.5 weeks ago seems to be working. i'm feeling more upbeat. less likely to cry at any given moment. god, being depressed sucks. glad that's over. now i've just got the stress of major area exams, which is bad enough without the whole depression thing.

i lost 3 lbs the first 2 days on the diet. that was monday. i'm going back tomorrow to be weighed again. hopefully i'll have lost more--it's so disheartening to actually be sticking to the diet and not lose weight. i'm on a different plan than i was 2 years ago, one that allows me more food. and it's better in the sense that i'm not hungry all the time, and i'm not tempted (as tempted anyway) to cheat. however, we have yet to see if i'm actually losing any weight on this new plan. stay tuned...

in the grand scheme of things, i know that i'm not that fat. based on bmi calculations, i'm a 27, where 26 is the upper limit of "normal" weight. and everyday i see many people who are fatter than me/less fit than me, and seem to be leading fulfilling lives. i know that many people go through the ups and downs of weight gain and loss, and live through it. but i hate myself when i'm fat. i never want to be fat again. i want to be able to wear anything in my closet, and know that it looks good on me. dammit, i want to be able to wear a bikini this summer when i go to california! i want to turn heads! i want men (and women!) to think of me when they fantasize! i want to be approached in bars! (but, to any men reading this, i don't want to be sleazily hit upon, and i will tolerate no disrespect)