my first major failure

you've probably guessed, but i failed my qualifying exams ("qualifying exams in areas of high competence"). i got the questions on tuesday, 1 may (6 questions, 2 in each of 3 areas: working memory, cognitive development, and parsing in languages other than english), turned in written answers to 3 of them (one from each area) on friday, 4 may, and had an oral defense of them on wednesday, 9 may.

i walked into the oral defense, and the first thing my advisor said to me was "we're concerned about your answers." not a good start. they grilled me for an hour plus, sent me out to discuss things, and called me back to tell me i had "partially passed." i passed the working memory exam, half passed the cognitive development exam, and failed the parsing exam.

at the final graduate group meeting of the year (during which the profs discuss all the grad students), they decided that there's no such thing as a partial pass, so i'd failed. the rules say i have 2 weeks to propose a new exam, and 6 months to pass it. i'll propose a new exam that bears a striking resemblance to rewriting the portions of the first exam that i failed. i'll get it done by the end of the summer.

both my advisor and the director of graduate studies said that they are concerned more about my complete lack of a research program than my failed exams. no one has ever failed their exams twice (if you fail twice, you get kicked out of school). but they tossed out the idea of me taking a year leave-of-absence, to think about what i want to do, research-wise. i don't want to do that. and i think i have some areas of possibility for research, so i think i'll be okay. but this has totally ruined my summer. i have to spend it retaking these exams, rather than really getting a start on research. though, my retake exam for parsing will probably end up being a proposal for a series of experiments that i'll actually end up doing.

in related news, i heard from laura last night that jen and diana know about the status of my exams, even though i didn't tell them. it's not a big deal that they know, since i would've told them anyway, but it is a big deal the way they found out. *apparently* harvey and joel (diana's advisors) told her the details of what went on at the graduate group meeting. she asked how the meeting went, and what did they talk about, and they actually *told* her. so diana (of course) told jen. and now, i'm sure the whole department knows. grrrr. i mentioned to sabini (dgs) today that i was not pleased that faculty are divulging the content of the meeting with their students. he said he'd send out an email.

so, to get into the bigger picture: this is the first time in my life i've failed something so big. it sucks. no matter how many times people tell me that very smart/talented people have failed before, i still feel like perhaps i'm not up to the job. i'm sure that i don't have a passion for this. if only i knew what my passion *was*...