on sunday karl and i got engaged.

i was totally surprised, and yet this is not *that* unexpected. we've been talking about spending our lives together for a while now, not so much having a big talk about it, but talking about the way our lives might unfold in a way that assumes we'll be together.

but we hadn't talked about marriage specifically, until sunday.

THE STORY

i had been planning a half-birthday celebration for karl. his birthday is in december, and it sucks to have it so close to christmas. he's been joking about moving his birthday to sometime in the spring, so this year i did, kinda. we'd been interested in going to see the dali exhibition at the philadelphia museum of art, but tickets were $20 each, and we couldn't really justify it. so of course, i secretly bought tickets for his half-birthday.

before the exhibit, we had dinner at a pub called the bishop's collar. a nice black beer, a flank steak, onion, and provolone sandwich, and coffee for me, same for karl but with a pulled pork sandwich. the pub was in walking distance of the museum, so after dinner we walked towards it. karl claims he didn't guess where we were going until we'd crossed Kelly Drive right by the museum. i was sure he had guessed, after all, what else is in that neighborhood? nothing, besides the old prison, and that is not such a good birthday locale.

we walked up the steps to the museum (you know, those famous steps from the training montage near the end of rocky? we refrained from pumping our fists). we were a few minutes early, so we admired the view. it was just after sunset on a perfect clear day, and the skyscrapers in center city were sparkling.

after a minute or two of standing there admiring the view, karl said something about how he loves me more and more as time goes on. i reciprocated, and had actually been thinking that exact thing just the other day. then he pulled me to him wrapped up in his coat, i thought to keep me warm in the breeze and spray from the fountain just behind us. but no, it was really a cover to get the ring out of his pocket. he said something about how he didn't want to live without me, and asked me if i felt the same. i said i did, still thinking he was just being particularly cuddly and sweet, like he is sometimes, but then he said "then, would you marry me?" and presented a ring.

i was totally taken by surprise. had NO IDEA this was coming. so i just looked shocked for a moment (karl says he loved my reaction), then realized that i had not said anything yet, and didn't want him to take the hesitation as a no, so said yes.

of course, then it was time to go into the museum, so we did.

karl said later that he was glad he got to propose on the day that everton's 2005-06 champion's league (prestigious european soccer league) place was confirmed, because liverpool (everton's arch rivals) lost that day to arsenal, making it impossible for them to catch everton in the league standings. it was a good day all around.

THE REACTIONS

i called my mom first. i said i had news, and she said "news about the foreign service?" and i said "no, news that karl and i are getting married." and she was suitably excited and surprised and congratulatory. she wanted to know how he asked, and if there was a ring, and why we hadn't told her two days earlier when we were in town? (because i didn't know then, mom).

i called dad second, but his phone was off, so he had to wait til later.

mom called me back to remind me to call grandma. i did, and she said she was happy for us, and congratulations, and that i shouldn't plan the wedding for when she will be in alaska. i promised i wouldn't.

i finally got dad on the phone, and he was shocked. he kept saying "i don't know what to say," and asking if i was happy and excited. i said i was, and he said he was happy that i was happy. which i thought was a weird thing to say. he didn't come out and say congratulations (til later). we got disconnected, and he didn't want me to talk to him while i was in the car, even though i was using a hands-free thing, so i had to call him back later. at that point, he finally said "tell karl congratulations." i took that as being congratulations for me, too.

mom, dad, and grandma reminded me that i already have a dress (though we'll see if i'll actually wear it or not).

my sister says: "what a happy surprise! tell karl--job well done."

THE DECONSTRUCTION

i have complicated feelings about marriage. on the one hand, i don't really think that marriage is necessary, in most cases. there's no longer a social stigma against living with someone you're not married to, even having kids with that person is ok. legal documents can take care of inheritance and medical decision-making issues. i don't believe in god, so i have no religious motivation to get married. all that said, however, i do feel an almost instinctual wish to get married. not that it will make any real difference in our day-to-day lives, but there is something deep-seated about having our relationship be publicly acknowledged and celebrated. i firmly believe that this vague feeling is indeed deeply rooted in evolutionary biology/psychology. that eons ago, there were real, important, survival-level reasons that couples be officially recognized by their communities. these days, survival has nothing to do with it, but i think that the vestiges of those instincts remain.

there are also several practical reasons why getting married makes sense. one in particular is important to me, and that is the visa issue. since karl is not a US citizen, he has to have a work visa to remain in this country. but his work visa is only valid for a maximum of 6 years. and he's been here 4. so he needs a green card, which he will get when we get married. there are other, less urgent reasons, too. tax and insurance reasons, for example. it is definitely not romantic to get married for immigration and tax reasons, though.

so, i've got no good personal/societal/religious/survival reasons to get married, but several legalistic practical reasons to do so. so what's a girl to do? should she take her man down to the city hall and sign some papers, to get the legal recognition? should she throw a big party, to celebrate this union that has already been in existence for several years becoming government-recognized? i think i will come down on the side of a big party, so that our friends and family can celebrate our coupledom with us. partly because, hey, who can turn down an excuse to throw a party? and partly because friends and family will expect it, and partly because hell, i already have a dress.

i've been thinking about marrying karl for a while. i've thought about it at times when life would have been easier if we were married (like when our house couldn't be insured by my kickass insurance company because we weren't married and the company is only open to military families and their children (my dad was in the army reserves way back when), or when i think about the possibility of having to shell out big bucks for health insurance come fall because i don't have funding any more). i've thought about it when he does something, or says something, that makes me love him even more. or when i have to wait an extra hour for him to come through the immigration lines at the airport because he has to go through the non-citizen/non-resident lines.

i've thought about asking him to marry me, and almost have a couple of times. with this insurance crisis coming up in the fall, i'd thought about giving him til later in the summer, then just dragging him down to the courthouse. but i wanted to give him time, because i knew he had a couple of "secrets" (one of which was indeed this, one is still undetermined), and if he *was* planning something, i didn't want to ruin it by asking him first. though he pointed out that that in itself would have made for a good story--she asks him the day before he was going to ask her, ha ha!

THE PLANS

there are no plans yet, but the more i think about it the more i dread it and want to just go down to city hall. not just the planning itself, though that is certainly nothing to sneeze at. but the timetable is complicated. i want to get married in warm weather, so that puts it either this summer or next. this summer makes it tricky/impossible for karl's family and friends in england to get reasonably priced plane tickets over here. next summer? i have no idea where we'll be. if i'm in the foreign service, we could be in DC, or we could be in Ouagadougou, there's no telling. hard to plan a wedding that way, i tell you what. another wrinkle is that karl's grandparents are unlikely to want to fly over here for a wedding, which argues for either a UK wedding or possibly a wedding here followed by a party over there. but then we'll have the celebrations split by country, and to be honest his friends and family are way more fun than mine (well, my friends are plenty fun, but my family is traditional southern baptist, and they are no so much into the parties with the drinking and dancing and stuff), and it would be nice to have the friends and families mingling, and not forever separated by an ocean. bleh. there's the possibility of a destination wedding somewhere, but that still has the problem with the grandparents not flying. suggestions welcomed.