oof. that was a rough morning, i tell you what.

like many people who live in old buildings in the city, we have the occasional mouse. therefore, we have traps. we occasionally catch mice in the traps (which karl, being the boy, takes care of. because that's what boys are for. cleaning up the dead things.) dead little mice, whose necks have been snapped. it's always seemed like the best way to kill them, to me. they die quickly and their last thoughts are of peanut butter. could be worse.

this morning, it was worse. i made the mistake of looking at one of the traps after karl had left for work. it not only had a mouse in it, it had a *live* mouse in it. me? i had a bit of a freak out.

the mouse had somehow managed to get his left back hip trapped, so he was only catastrophically wounded, not dead. he was lying on his back, feet in the air, trap on top of him, just breathing. occasionally he would struggle a bit.

i called karl and tell him the story. "i can't come home," he said. "i know," i said. we thought about my options, which i didn't think included just leaving the mouse there all day til karl got home. we figured i could either take him outside and crush his skull or i could drown him. i opted for drowning. but how? can't flush him. karl didn't want me using the sink (even though i said i'd clean it afterward). i picked up the trap with tongs so the mouse couldn't bite me and put him in a plastic grocery bag. put the bag in the sink and stood a minute, looking at this poor creature that i was about to kill. with karl still on the phone, i turned on the water. of course, the mouse started struggling, and then i saw that the mouse+trap could float. so the mouse was keeping his head above water. so i took the tongs and held him under.

i had to watch, so i'd know when he was dead. so i spent 90 seconds or so watching the mouse struggle to reach the surface, then struggle to breath, opening his mouth and sucking in water. saw the last bubbles, then he didn't move any more. i waited another minute to be sure, then tied up the bag and took it outside.

that is the first time i have actively killed a mammal. bugs, spiders, i've killed. i've set traps for mice before. but i've never had to kill them myself, slowly. it was awful. as i started the water, karl asked if i was okay. no, i wasn't, and that question made me start full on crying. i feel a bit silly about the whole thing--crying for a mouse. on the other hand, i was the one responsible for its death. after it was done, karl said, "i wish i had come home."

i'm not glad to have done it, but it is kind of nice to know that i can, when the need arises.