so, we returned from a grueling 7 hour drive back from ottawa on monday night at about 11.30, just in time to get the car back to the rental place by 11.45, when we said we would (not that they'd know, since there's not usually someone at the rental place at 11.45 pm, but hey). so we sow up there and not only is there no one there, but there's no drop box for keys, and the parking lot is completely inaccessible because of rental cars blocking the driveways. after searching for a drop box, we call the number on the front door, labeled "in case of emergency". turns out it's a sex line. hm. nice going, av*s. karl finds another phone number in his paperwork, and has a long conversation with several av*s employees, assuring them that there is no one there, that the parking lot is not to be gotten into, that there is no key drop box, and that no, he can't take the car all the way down to the airport to turn it in there. they claim not to have extra sets of keys to the cars, so we can't just lock the keys in the car and leave it blocking the driveway. we're just about to give up and turn in the car the next morning when a cleaning guy walks up. "the security guy's not here?" "nope." "eh, he's probably sleeping in one of the cars...[looks around]...yep, there he is [points to one of 100 cars]. sleepin." he goes over and knocks on the car hood. the security guard wakes up and groggily takes our car. moral of the story: if you want to steal a car, the av*s rental place at 20th and arch is a good place to start.

okay. so the trip. i'm going to summarize in the form of a jeopardy game. ready to play along at home?

contestant: sure alex.
alex: okay, here we go. four women dressed in grimy business skirts and blouses, with high heels on and messy wigs, pushing a giant (~5 ft in diameter) hacky sack down a street in old montreal.
contestant: what is performance art?
alex: that's right, contestant!

alex: here's the next answser, for $200. it's the purveyor of the best sandwiches *ever*. no lie. it's practically worth the drive to montreal. they often come with spiced cream cheese as the spread, and are always topped and surrounded with yummy fresh fruit.
contestant: what is the santropol?
alex: doing great!

alex: it's sunny and warm, even though it's been raining and 55 degrees back in philly for the last 6 fucking weeks.
contestant: what is the weather in ottawa?
alex: right again, contestant!

alex: a woman, lying on her stomach on what looked like a fancy mechanized massage table (roller massage! no time for massage? get on while walking (rolling) to work!) or a hospital bed. at first borogoves & karl thought she was indeed getting a massage, then thought that she had been hurt and those people around her were medical personnel, but there was no ambulance and b & k thought that in canada, which is a lovely and modern place, hurt people would be accompanied by ambulances, so she probably wasn't hurt. then she started to drive away, using a little joystick to control her mechanized massage table/hospital bed/horizontal wheelchair (wheelbed?), and b & k decided that she was probably hurt indeed, but in a more permanent way (because really, if you had some spinal injury or some gluteous maximus injury that necessitated lying on your stomach for some shortish period of time, say a month, you'd probably just stay home and not go out sightseeing in old montreal) and that this wheelbed was her permanent mode of transportation. after some more thought (since the previous thinking had gone so well) b & k concluded that she must have some sort of injury/disability such that her spine couldn't take any weight, which meant she had to lie down all the time and not sit in a wheelchair.
contestant: what is the most interesting disability borogoves & karl saw in canada?
alex: you're batting 1000!

alex: moomins
contestant: what is the finnish storybook characters that borogoves was introduced to in ottawa?
alex: yes! (hand pump) right again! we're giving away lots of money today!

alex: twelve
contestant: what is the number of brides and their attending hordes that b & k saw in 5 hours while walking around old montreal on a sunny day in june?
alex: that's right! you are the new jeopardy champion!