sadie, the end

sadie died today. i arrived home (mom's house) last night. mom and dad had brought sadie into the kitchen (she had been in the backyard). she was laying on the floor, on a towel, against the wall dividing the kitchen from the foyer. one of her favorite places. she gave a half-hearted tail-wag when i came in.

she looked bad. lost a lot of weight--her shoulders and head were so bony; fur was dirty (she couldn't clean herself very well); eyes were cloudy and tired. she just looked worn out. i lay down next to her and cried for a long time, rubbing her, stroking her ears. she licked my face, once.

i slept in the kitchen with her, trying to stay in physical contact. at 1am, she sat up, briefly, and had some water. it was the last water she had.

at 2:15am she sat up again (by "sat up" i mean that she rolled over onto her elbows, rather than laying on her side). she struggled for a long time, trying to get up. she needed to go to the bathroom, and knew that she should get up to do so, but she couldn't. poor thing. eventually, she rolled over onto her other (left) side, and went to the bathroom. mom and dad heard the commotion, and came down to help clean her up.

at about 10 or so in the morning, she sat up for a long time, and even cleaned herself. and, once, she licked my arm. the tail-wag greeting, the occasional ear-perk, cleaning, and licking me were glimmers of her old self. it made it so much harder to put her to sleep.

dad called the vet. he had arranged for the vet, dr. holland, and his assistant, linda, to come to the house. taking sadie to the vet was going to be very difficult and unpleasant. she was in a lot of pain (she snapped every time we tried to move her) and she has always hated the vet. i didn't want her last minutes of life to be spent in a place she hated and was scared of. so dr. holland and linda said they would come over between 12:30 and 1pm. at 12:45 the phone rang; they were on their way. waiting for them to arrive was horrible. dead man walking.

a little after 1pm they arrived. sadie barked, weakly. another glimmer of her old self. must be hard for them, to come into a house to put a beloved family pet to sleep. linda had my mom sign a release form, saying we gave them permission to do what they were doing. dr. holland approached sadie, and let her sniff him. she sniffed, but snapped at him when he got close. it was heartbreaking to know that she was still trying to protect us from strangers, when she was the one he had come for.

because she snapped, they had to muzzle her. dr. holland asked how much she weighed (probably 60-65 lbs). he said to linda "i'm using 7 cc's." he drew up the drug into a syringe. dad asked what the drug was going to do. it was a barbituate, pink-colored. it stops brain function as soon as it gets there. if everything went smoothly, she would be dead by the time he finished injecting the whole syringe. she was.

i took the muzzle off (i had been lying next to her, her head cradled in my arms), buried my head in her neck, and cried. mom and dad stood by the stove, crying. they came over and knelt beside me and sadie. dad (i think) stroked my hair. after about 5 minutes, dr. holland came back over and listened to her heart, to make sure it was stopped. we said our last goodbyes, then he and linda put sadie onto a stretcher, covered her with a blanket, and left. 1:31pm.