it's not even swimsuit season yet

it's not even summer, and i'm feeling animosity toward my body.

karl loves me. that's all good. but as i lie in bed, or stand in the shower, or sit on the couch, and try to arrange myself so that he can't see/feel the pudge of my belly, or the fat on my thighs, i wish i looked different. and yes, to the men out there, your women probably do this too. even your daughters, if you have them. karl loves me. perhaps (i haven't asked him) he *prefers* my body with the extra padding. i've heard men at least *claim* to like women who aren't all sharp and bony, perhaps they're telling the truth. perhaps karl is one of them. but even so. *i* don't like the padding. i want my stomach to lie flat inside my jeans.

i see women out there (like my downstairs neighbor) who seem to eat whatever they want and still be thin-as-rails. i actually think my downstairs neighbor is a bit too thin. but, i'd so love to be too thin rather than not thin enough. yes, this all started with a swimsuit. there will be a hottub at the condo where karl and i are going skiing with some friends. we've been instructed to bring suits. i don't have one that looks decent on me, so i was shopping online for one the other day. i can't believe it, but i bought a swimsuit online. doubtless, it will fit in such a way that i will have little rolls of skin poking out above and belos the leg openings. my thighs will be puckered. my belly will not be flat. my arms will be flabby. grrr.

if you are one of those people who looks great and doesn't have to work at it, i officially hate you.