karl did a really stupid thing last night, and i'm still angry about it, though the lack of sleep is having an effective damping effect.

he played soccer with his indoor team last night. game was at 9.15. they last 40 minutes, so i expected him home about 10.30-10.45. at 1am, he called, saying he was out at a bar with the guys from the team. i was all "i was worried" and he was all "i'm so sorry--i only just now found a phone. don't wait up." all good. i wished he'd called earlier, but i was glad he was out having a good time with the boys.

fast forward. at 4am, i wake up to the sound of him relieving himself against his closet door *in our bedroom*. i sit up, "what the fuck are you doing? you're peeing IN OUR BEDROOM!" he was less-than-satisfactorily responsive, so i jumped out of bed, and told him to clean it up. he didn't seem to know what i was talking about, so i told him to go get the paper towels. he had no idea what i was talking about. i asked him if he knew what he had done. nope. i led him to the kitchen to get paper towels, put them in his hand, led him back to the bedroom, and told him to clean up his puddle. he just stood there, with the paper towels in his hand, doing nothing. fine. i just wanted to go back to bed. i took the paper towels and started cleaning. i also started crying. he was SO DRUNK that he didn't know that he had just peed on our bedroom floor. it would have been funny if he hadn't just driven himself home. the enormity of his lack of responsibility was overwhelming. still is, actually.

i mopped the floor then went into the bathroom to get some disinfectant. told karl to get ready for bed. he just stood there. i sprayed the floor, then got him some water. took it to him in the bathroom. he was standing there, leaning on the sink. i asked what was wrong, and he didn't answer. i was crying, and frustrated, and angry that now he wouldn't even drink his water, take out his contacts, get undressed, and get into fucking bed already. after much prodding, he finally said he was sad. why? because he was drunk.

even then he didn't get it. he didn't get why i was so angry. he didn't get that he had driven himself home, even though he was so drunk that he couldn't even understand the simple questions i was asking him. he actually said "what? i didn't cheat on you." like that was EVER a question. how could he possibly be missing the huge, dangerous, obvious reason why i was angry. i just gave up and told him.

i went to mop up the disinfectant. when i was done, karl had disappeared from the bathroom. i finally found him leaning against a wall in the foosball room, with his nose dipped in the glass of water i'd given him. he finally said he felt bad because of what he had done. i tried again to get him to say, explicitly, what he had done, but didn't succeed. i drug him to the bedroom and made him get undressed. naked, he finally went to brush his teeth and take out his contacts. and pee, this time in the appropriate place. when he crawled into bed, he was crying. i was starting to feel bad for him. he was finally realizing the extent of the issue. and he was sobering up enough to start to feel miserable. again, i asked him to tell me what was wrong, and he mumbled something, but i couldn't understand what he said. eventually i got that he was crying because he disappointed me. i'd given up trying to convince him that though disappointment was part of it, it was really disappointment/anger/sadness that he would do something so irresponsible as get behind the wheel in the condition he was in. it was 4.30, and he had to get up at 7.30 to go to work. i set the alarm and went to sleep.

in the morning, i found him awake. i don't know whether he went to sleep at all last night. after a couple of pleas for him to get out of bed, i told him i really didn't care whether he was on time for work, but that if he wanted to be, he had to get up NOW. i was going back to sleep. he got up, showered, dressed. before he left, he came back over and lay down with me. he told me, sober and understandable this time, that he was sorry. that he knew he had done an incredibly stupid thing, and that it would not happen again. i pushed him on that issue. how did he know it wouldn't happen again? it happened once. he said he wouldn't let himself get that drunk again when he had to drive. but, he hadn't known that he was that drunk *this* time--how would he know how drunk he was next time? he claims he will limit his drinks (to one per hour, i said, and he agreed) next time. i hope that the realization of how dangerous this was will keep him to that. he said that the other 10 guys there last night were drinking as much as him. that means there were 11 guys driving drunk in the west philly suburbs last night. i hope they all got home safely.