you're on notice

13 November 2002 - 5:29 pm

last night i went to see musicians from marlboro at the kimmel center with laura. they played hayden (quartet in F major), shostakovitch (piana quintet in g minor), and dvorak (quintet in G major). to amuse ourselves, we compared composers to foods. vivaldi = cucumber: crisp and cool. shostakovitch = rare steak with a spicy rub: raw, passionate, unexpected. dvorak = eastern european ethnic dessert: appropriate for weddings and funerals, or anytime you have distant relatives to entertain. beethoven = a fine pinot noir: complex, rewarding, but an acquired taste.

notice to vandals: you can stop breaking into my car. my window has been smashed 4 times, and mostly, you vandals don't find anything worth taking. my car is crappy (15 year-old honda), and i don't keep anything of value in it. well, except my car stereo, but you keep not taking that, so i guess you've got all the car stereos you need. basically, you keep going through all that effort just to take the $1.03 i've got in the ashtray. i'd appreciate it if you'd pass me by next time. thanks. oh, and that cordless drill you took this time? that wasn't even mine? (it was the afore-mentioned laura's. man, that was a weird construction. "afore-mentioned laura's". but y'all knew what i meant so it's all good.) well, it only had the one battery on it, that didn't have much of a charge, and laura's still got the charger, so i hope you enjoyed the 10 minutes of drill time you got.

notice to restaurant patrons: some of you aren't very well behaved. i think you might need a primer.

1. don't fill up on free bread. one basket of bread is enough, i promise. if you absolutely must have a refill on the free bread, please don't be snitty about it. it is free, after all, and you are making me do work (cutting more bread for you) that you won't be tipping me for. in fact, you might keep that in mind when you tip me--did you require lots of free services? if so, give me an extra dollar or two, eh?
2. similarly, when you say "oh, i'll be alright with water," like you're doing me a favor by just ordering water, you're really not. water is free (not adding to my tip), but requires just as much work on my part, if not more. i come by again and again, filling your waters, and don't get any reward. next time, do me a favor and order a top-shelf martini. or at least take the water into account before you tip me that measly 14%. thanks.
3. the bank is your friend--please stop there before you pay for your $17 meal with a $100 bill. i have change, but really.
4. don't touch the waiter. even if you like my necklace, don't touch it. even if you need my attention, don't grab my arm.
5. don't call me hon. or miss. especially if you are a dirty old man (you know who you are). i tell you my name for a reason.
6. if you look around to discover that you are the last people in the restaurant, it's time to pack it up and leave. see, i'm not allowed to vacuum while you're still there, and i can't leave until i've vacuumed. so don't give me the "we're all settled up, so we'll just sit here awhile" speech--you're not settled up until you've left the building. if you want to chat, go to a coffeehouse. or your home. or a park bench. whatever.

notice to all y'all: you've got it wrong about language and linguistics. here are the answers to the FAQ:

1. sign languages are actual languages, not pantomime systems. the sign for 'tree' is not the same for every sign language.
2. every Deaf culture has its own associated sign language. american sign language is different from british sign language is different from chinese sign language.
3. yes, russian was hard to learn for me. but it's not inherently harder than other languages. and it's certainly not harder because of the alphabet. for crying out loud. think about it for a minute: little children learning language do so without reference to the language's written form. so the learnability of a language cannot possibly have anything to do with it's alphabet. this fact goes for the asian languages too.
4. i don't study etymologies. i do find them interesting, but only to the degree that you do. i cannot tell you, for example, where the phrase "lame duck" comes from, in refering to a post-election, about-to-be-ousted politition.
5. you don't have to "watch what you say" around me. i'm a psycholinguist, not a psychoanalyst. i'm not going to listen to what you say and tell you the root of your committment issues.
6. relatedly, you do not have to watch your grammar around me. linguists and psycholinguists are interested in how people *actually talk*, not in how they think they should talk. so don't get all "between you and i" on me. plus, according to the prescriptive rules of grammar that your high school english teacher told you, that's wrong anyway. just talk normal.

oh, the housewarming party went well. lotsa people came, lotsa beer was drunk. karl was unbeaten on the foosball table (that boy needs bringing down!). some people actually brought housewarming gifts. i know that's what's *done*, technically, but it makes me feel like such an adult. let's see... we got 2 bottles of wine, a cookbook, some artichoke dip, some candy mints, a bottle of goldschlager, and a cheesecake. quite a haul, really. the police weren't called (that would fall under a disapointment, except that our landlord already hates us, and we don't really want to get evicted just yet. you know.), i didn't throw up, and nothing was stolen. i'd call it a success!