just catching up on my diaryland reading, and this entry of harriet's reminded me of what was keeping me awake earlier in the week.

suddenly on tuesday night/wednesday morning, i woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. i didn't want to admit it, but i had heard my biological clock ticking for the first time. i still don't want to admit it. but there it is.

i'm sure this is brought on by michael's death and his two beautiful little girls, but that knowledge doesn't make it any less real or urgent.

i'm 29.5 years old. i'm hoping to start a new career as a foreign service officer early next year, if everything goes as planned. and i got to thinking about how the whole baby thing works when you're a foreign service officer stationed in thirdworldistan. so i did a bit of research (research being the one thing i am trained to do, you see).

come to find out that the state department requires pregnant employees (or spouses of employees) to go back home to america, or to some other first world country with reliable medical care, 6 weeks prior to the due date. earlier if medically advised. once the baby is born, mother and child are not authorized to return to post until the baby is 6 weeks old. if you math whizzes are keeping track, that's 12 weeks minimum away from post. and according to what i find online, those 12 weeks come from regular leave: vacation, sick time, home leave. there's no separate maternity leave.

if i've read the policy correctly, this means that to have a baby, you have to have built up at least 12 weeks worth of leave by the time you are 6 weeks from due. i'll have to do some research on how much leave new officers get, but i'm not hopeful that it's as much as 12 weeks. now, they do say that if all other leave is exhausted, employees may use donated leave. not sure if that comes from some central pot or if you have to solicit the donated leave from friends at post. more research needed.

of course, even if you have 12 weeks leave built up, there are several consequences to this policy. 1. you won't get any other vacation for a longass time. that baby leave WAS your vacation. bully for you if being heavily pregnant or a new, recovering mom doesn't particularly feel like vacation. 2. you have to fly when you're 7.5 months pregnant, and again with a 6 week old infant. possibly on a 24 hour trip halfway around the world. 3. you only get 6 weeks "maternity leave" after your baby is born before you have to be back on the visa line, telling honored citizens of thirdworldistan that no, they can't have a visa to america. i suppose it's a damn good thing that nannies in third world countries tend to be dirt cheap.

after realizing all that, it's possible that it will come down to 2 choices: wait to have kids for a few years, after i've built up enough leave, or having a baby *before* i enter the foreign service. which, if you're still with me, and if the state department cooperates, means i should be getting pregnant, um, now.

and here's where i FREAK. THE FUCK. OUT.

i haven't said anything to karl yet, because i need to do a bit more research about how fast leave builds up, and also this doesn't seem like the very best of times, given that it's only been a week since michael died. also, we haven't even seriously talked about getting married. i mean, we've sorta talked about the general inevitableness of it, but not in any specific terms.

wednesday 9 february

13 February 2005 - 6:07 pm

wednesday

it has been several days now that we've been in england with karl's family. this is the first time i've been this close to the immediate family during the period directly after the death, and certainly the first time the person has died before their time, as it were.

what happened

we know a lot more about what happened to michael now, and some of the things i'd written before are wrong. michael was walking back to his house with his friend gavin after an evening out drinking. they were walking through firth park, at the top of the hill near his house, when several teenagers called out a derogatory comment. sober, michael probably would have just let it be, but that night, he hopped a small fence and went over to the boys. by all accounts, michael said something like "why'd you say that? what are you on about?" then one of the boys punched him in the head. the punch got him in just the right way to burst an artery (as i understand it) and michael collapsed and died instantly. the boys ran off toward the bus stop and got on the bus that happened to be pulling up just then. gavin, who had been a bit slower to approach the boys, because he had gone around the fence that michael had jumped over, arrived and tended to michael, and called an ambulance. michael was taken to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead. gavin went to michael's house to tell his girlfriend what had happened. she called her mother, who came to take her to the hospital.

the police were involved immediately, and cordoned off a large area around where michael was attacked. they talked to gavin, then found out which bus it was the boys had gotten on, and discovered that luckily, that bus had several CCTV cameras installed, so they had pictures of the boys. some people who were on the bus reported hearing the boys bragging about how they had thrown one punch and knocked a guy down. they didn't know they had killed him.

word was put out that that michael had died, and by the next day, 3 of the boys had turned themselves in. the one who actually hit michael was the first to come in. i've heard an account that he heard a report on the news the next day saying that a man had been killed the night before in firth park, and he said to his grandmother "i think i killed that man," and she said "if you think you have, you have to go to the police." in his favor, he turned himself in before knowing that the police had him on CCTV.

the fourth boy has now turned himself in, though it took him several days. he is apparently the one who called out the original comment.

gavin said that later on, he found some chocolate in his pocket. he didn't have it before the evening started, and he doesn't remember buying it. but he regularly brought chocolate to mike's girls when he went to visit, so he figures that what must have happened was the he and mike had been on their way home from the pub and he hadn't brought any chocolate for the girls, so he wanted to make a side trip up to a corner store to pick some up before they went to michael's house. it was on the way back from the store that michael was attacked.

the "what ifs" are there, in the background. what if gavin had brought the chocolate with him originally? what if gavin and michael had taken the long way around, by the streets, instead of cutting through the park? what if the boys hadn't called out? what if michael hadn't gone over to them? what if the boy's punch hadn't hit him in just that way? karl and his family are trying their best not to go down that path, because what's done is done, and what ifs only serve to make you angry and sad.

one poignant event was that a 14 year old boy passed through the park just as or just after michael collapsed. the boy stopped to try to help. there was really nothing to be done, but the boy took off his coat and put it around michael, to try to keep him warm. i suspect that michael was already dead, but that small action gets me right in the heart. karl's dad wants to see the boy, to thank him, but will have to wait until after the trial to do so.

the things that must be done

there's so much to do following a death, more so in this case because it was a homicide. karl's parents are in constant contact with the police. in england, families in these cases are assigned a liaison officer to keep them informed, to answer any questions, to guide them through the process, and to help out in any way they can. ian is the family liaison in this case. he is here right now, taking a lifestyle statement from karl's parents, the intention being to paint a picture of michael's life, from birth right up til his death. ian had been here twice while i've been here, and he is very good about answering any questions that karl's family has, including hard ones about how much jail time the boys are *really* likely to get, what the defendants' rights are, how that affects karl's family, etc. when we arrived in manchester, which is about 90 minutes from karl's house, the police offered to pick us up at the airport. karl's dad says that in fact, he really had to convince them that he wanted to do it himself.

because this was a homicide, the body has not yet been released to the family, and no one is quite sure when it will be. the coroner has already done an autopsy, but the defendants have the right to request their own autopsies, one each. two of them have declined, but two have requested one. we don't know when those will be done, and karl's family cannot have the body until they do. it could be weeks.

meanwhile, there's a lot to be done. even though no one knows when the funeral will be, the arrangements can be made. karl's mom and dad are the next of kin, so they have the final say over what happens. mike was a father, and lived with his daughters' mother, but she was not his wife, so technically she has very few rights. however, karl's parents like her, and credit her with settling michael down, so they are talking to her at every step to see what her wishes are, and are trying to honor them. also, of course, she controls access to their grandchildren, so it is in their best interest to stay friendly with her. they have talked about whether to have a cremation or a burial. in england (my intuition is that it's different in america) about 80% of people have cremation (i think cremation is less popular in america). but karl's dad's family has always had burials, and he feels very strongly that he would like a place to visit that has a headstone. also, they are trying to think of the girls, and think that a proper grave will give the girls a place to go visit when they get older.

there are a couple of categories of burial options in england. there are traditional church graveyards, there are city-run cemetaries, and there are private cemetaries. in churchyards and city cemetaries, the grounds are kept up by the owners. in private cemetaries, the families are responsible for trimming the grass and things, so it'll only get done as long as someone comes out to do it. there is one type of private cemetary, though, that does a more natural burial. the intention there is to bury the dead in an environmentally friendly way, and to maintain the grounds in a natural woods-like way. bodies are generally buried either in shrouds or cardboard coffins, though you can have a wooden casket if you'd like. once the ground has settled after the burial, a tree is planted near the grave, and wildflowers are planted around it. the grass is not mown, and the area is allowed to remain in it's natural state. i understand that a stone marker is allowed, but it must lie on the ground and not stand up like a traditional headstone. the family is drawn to this option, as am i (not that my opinion counts at all). the only concern comes because of the nature of the marker. karl's dad in particular has very strong feelings that he wants a marker that will allow him to put michael's name and dates plus a few lines that indicate something about michael as a person. we do not know yet whether the marker's in this case are allowed to be big enough for that.

becky and the girls

michael's daughters are 2 years and 9 months old, respectively. they are too young to know what is going on. isabel sometimes says something about her daddy, but she does not seem to miss him, yet. becky seems to be doing okay, considering. i suspect that the girls are keeping her busy and distracted, plus she's always got people around her, either her parents or friends, or michael's friends, or karl's parents.

at her house right now, the main thing is to get the finances sorted. the house was in both their names, but becky has no job, and no income, and can't take on the mortgage. she'll be applying for social services (like welfare, i think, but with less stigma attached), which will support her and the girls til they turn 18. but there's still a lot to do. michael was not good with money, and was unorganized about his papers, so there's a lot to go through in terms of figuring out if there's any insurance, cancelling any direct debits that come from michael's accounts, transferring anything that's in his name to becky's name, etc. it's just something that has to be done.

sympathy

karl's parents have received lots of phone calls and sympathy cards and even some visits. they are all appreciated, even though the phone calls and the visits are hard, because people are often distraught and it brings the immediacy back to karl's parents. many people have expressed feeling helpless and like they want to be able to do something and of course there�s nothing for them to do. but karl�s dad noted that the� he called it a well of sympathy, that it helped him, just knowing that all those good feelings were out there.

i�ve learned a lot about sympathy from this event. if someone calls me with bad news and i can go over to their house, i will. that first saturday, j & s showed up about half an hour after karl called them. at first, we weren�t sure whether we wanted them here�we were, after all, sitting there in our bathrobes amidst a pile of used kleen*x. but it was really nice to have them there, in the end, and i�m glad they came by. the question �how are you doing?� is hard to answer, so i will only ask it once. you can only say �we�re coping, doing as well as can be expected� so many times. after the first �i�m so sorry� it helps to bring the conversation around to normal everyday things. even funny things, if possible. occasional nice/funny remembrances of the deceased are good, but not constant it�s so horribles and what ifs. there are plenty of moments that catch you, remembering, asking what if, thinking of the people affected, so it�s a relief to talk about normal things with people who call or come by. send a card. even though no one can help, really, knowing that there�s a well of support out there helps.

coping

everyone is coping, the calmness and normalcy punctuated from time to time with moments of tears and poignancy. the same is true for me. the last such moment was this evening, when we were at mike and becky�s house and gavin was there. he recounted the events for us, the speed at which everything happened of feeling helpless and confused when mike when down. he remembers talking to the 999 (like 911) operators, trying to follow their instructions about checking the airway and such, but frantically telling them that someone needed to come down. he remembers heading back to becky�s house to tell her that she had to get to the hospital right away, then remembers being at the hospital, but not how he got there. i can�t imagine how hard this must be for him. watching someone die like that must be one of the hardest things in the world.

mike

in all of this, of course, there�s someone who lost his life. i had only met michael a few times. the first time i met him we were at meadowhall, a shopping mall in sheffield. becky and michael had only recently found out she was pregnant with isabel. michael, who by all accounts didn�t really like kids, was fascinated by the baby shoes in the stores, picking them up and admiring each pair. he loved music and loved to read. he had 2 pet spiders and a pet snake. though he didn�t drive, he did bike, both on a bicycle and a motorcycle, and spent lots of time tinkering with his bikes. after work in the evenings, he rushed home, so he could see his daughters before their bedtime. he chain smoked cigarettes he rolled himself, and was covered in tattoos. his friends have called him gentle, and from what i saw of him, the description fits. he was his own man. ever since i�d first met him, i�d thought that he�d be my kids favorite uncle. the guy who talks to them like they�re adults and teaches them about cool stuff like motorcycles. now they�ll never get to meet him. i�m glad that i did.