the day before

tomorrow morning at 9am i get my major area exam questions. 6 of them, 3 of which i have answer by 3pm on friday (4 may). haven't studied in days. catatonic panic. over the past few months, i've read a bunch of articles. i've learned a lot. quite confident of that. the critical question is: have i learned *enough*.

at this point in my education (3 years into a ph.d.) i'm surrounded by people who are just as smart or smarter than i am. it's not a given (as it has been in the past) that i will succeed. throughout high school and college, i was among the better students. i studied, sure, but not that hard. i was always confident that i had enough of a handle on things to do fine in my classes without too much effort or worry.

not now. now, the level of understanding of the material that is required of me is extrodinarily high. the questions that i'm tackling now don't usually have answers. at least, not answers that are uncontroversial. the focus has shifted from remembering facts and making connections between facts to designing ways to *determine* the facts. and finding flaws in other people's attempts to find the facts. doing well is less about knowing the right answers and more about being able to think creatively and scientifically about subtle issues involved in subtle processes.

in another 10 days, i'll know. i'll know if i had what it takes.

stay tuned.