sex with john
date with ryan

i spent last night at john's house. went down there yesterday, and we went to the movies (wanted to see shrek but it was sold out so we saw lara croft, tomb raider), then to the batting cages (trying to better my batting average for the good of the psi jungs), then to dinner, then home for some cha-cha/rumba and to watch pecker. of course, i spent the night, as we always do when we're visiting each other. of course, we had middle-of-the-night sex. it was good sex, as usual.

today, though, i'm feeling conflicted about it. john was affectionate, like he was when we were together. he spent the morning kissing my face and wrapping me in his arms. looking at me sweetly. i love him, but i'm also actively seeking a new lover (see my forays into the personals--check other entries), and i know it's really going to hurt him when i get one. breaking up is hard to do.....

given how i feel, and the fact that i'm looking, i should really stop sleeping with him. but, because i'm a coward, i want to keep him around as a back-up lover. [it makes me feel like slime to write that--i can only bring myself to do so because this forum is anonymous.]

on that [slimy] note, i had a date with ryan today. we went to the zoo. it was a beautiful day, after a week of rain, so it was nice to be outside. we actually managed to see basically the entire zoo, which is a far cry from the last time i was there, with laura and her kids, and we spent the whole time near the entrance, trying to keep tabs on the kids. it was a good visit, but i was *bored silly* with ryan's conversation. he's a nice guy, but just seems so *dull.* we went for coffee (well, coffee for me and a smoothie for him) afterwards, and the conversation was better (we discovered that we have the same birthday, 6 july. though i was born in 1975 and he was born in 1973). i dunno. maybe as a friend only he'd be okay. next time i have a party, i'll invite him. unless i've found someone more interesting to invite by then...