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rock of a ring for b----

21 May 2004 - 12:45 pm

fellow grad student b---- and her longtime hunny n--- got engaged on tuesday night! they've been together, basically, for 6 years or something, since early in college. they broke up for a summer in college and b---- at least saw other people (actually, that other person was a---, another grad student in our dept, but their relationship was over before they even graduated undergrad, so ending up in the same grad program was just coincidence).

anyhow, they had recently broken up again because of relationship troubles stemming from (b---- says) distance. see, n--- is in grad school in nyc and b---- is here in philly. they live in new jersey and were both commuting. but b---- had a small apt here in philly so she could at least crash here a few nights a week and not have to make the 1.5 hour one way drive back and forth to jersey every damn day. so, they were essentially spending weeks apart and weekends together. apparently, their relationship just DOESN'T WORK when they're long distance, so about 2 months ago, they separated, with b---- moving full-time to philly. she had asked n--- to move to philly, and commute to nyc (he can work on the train, and has a sister who lives in manhatten on whose couch he could crash a couple nights a week so IT'S NOT THAT BAD) but he had said no. she was doubtful that they would work it out, and figured the separation would become permanent.

but, on tuesday night, n--- arrived on her doorstep and said that he had been thinking about what was important (conclusion: b----) and was willing to move to philly, and would she marry him? he stepped up and gave her a beautiful ring with a large center stone and two flanking baguettes, in either white gold or platinum. she said yes.

so they're getting married! and n--- wants to do it soon, like this fall. whoo! whirlwind!

now, i gotta say (but just to you) that while i like n---, i think that b---- is too good for him. i suspect that she is with him, in part, because she has low(er) self esteem and thinks she can't do better. or, to rephrase, that he is *good enough*. she, like me, was fat as a child/teenager. since then, she has lost a bunch of weight, and is now a hottie. but that low self esteem that you get being a fat/ugly/unpopular teenager carries over the rest of your life, i think (and b---- thinks too, we've talked about it). for me, anyway, it manifests as a general, underlying apprehension about whether people really like me (alternative being that they're just being polite).

n--- is plenty nice, don't get me wrong. he's got a lot going for him, including being a smart cookie (which is pretty much number one in my list of requirements, and i suspect the same of b----); he's a phd student in chemistry at columbia. but there have been suggestions in the past that he is not the right person for her, or that he doesn't deserve someone as great as b----. for example, b---- told me one time that n--- had once confessed to her that his ideal woman was a thin, small woman. now, b---- is a hottie, but she's also 5'7" (i think n--- is only 5'8" or so) and is not exactly skinny. n---even said something to the effect of wishing she'd lose a bit of weight. now, this is inconsiderate to say to anyone, but is especially cruel to say to someone who is a perfectly fine weight (if not waif-like--all the better imho), is hot, and, most importantly, is already 40 lbs lighter than she was only a few years ago!

of course, i really don't know n--- all that well, and i think b---- is smart enough and self-assured enough to only do something this big if she really does love him, and think she'll be happy with him. so i'll put my reservations aside and trust her judgement, and wholeheartedly wish them all the best. congratulations, b---- and n---!