after the supposedly quick update (see below) about the foreign service and the diss, i wrote this long rant about some feelings i've been having lately about the inequities in my relationship with karl, but i felt that it deserved it's own entry, so here you go.

i'm pissy right now about karl's seeming inability to anticipate tasks/needs and do something about them in a timely fashion. this is a recurring problem in our relationship, but it's come to the forefront again in the last few days.

warning: rant ahead.

here's an example. we're going to my parents' house for thanksgiving, leaving tomorrow mid-day. i'll pick him up from work and we'll hit the road. of course, this means he has to be packed and ready by the time he leaves for work tomorrow morning. i have this mental schedule in my head, and have started planning: in order to be packed by tuesday night, i need to have clean clothes. because i air-dry my clothes, this means that i can't wait til monday night to wash, or they won't be dry in time. so, i did laundry over the weekend. i've also got several things (recipe for thanksgiving dish, poster i want mom to frame for me for xmas, wedding proofs to show the family) to take down with me, so i've started collecting them and putting them in a spot near the front door so that i don't forget them. and so on. at 8.30 or so last night, after karl had been playing xbox for 3 hours, i figured he had no such mental schedule, and probably hadn't thought about packing for the trip at all, so mentioned the schedule, and that he had to be packed by tuesday night, and suggested that if he needed to do laundry, he might want to get to it and not leave it til tuesday evening, so that he could get to bed on tuesday night at a reasonable hour. he agreed, and went to put some laundry in. but i knew that if i hadn't said anything, he wouldn't of thought of it, and tonight he'd end up trying to do everything last minute, and be up til the wee hours. in theory, that would be HIS problem, not mine, and i should just let him be that way. which i SO WOULD, if it didn't mean that *i'd* also be up til the wee hours, and would have to deal with him being tired the next day because he didn't get enough sleep.

another example: he regularly sleeps through the alarm. which means that he doesn't have time to shave before work. which means he gets scraggly (and sharp--ouchy to kiss!). he likes to be clean-shaven for my parents (so cute, still trying to impress). he hasn't shaved in days, and won't have time tomorrow before work because on wednesdays we leave a little early because i need the car to go to my riding lesson, and have to drop him off on the way. so the best plan B is for him to shave this morning, tuesday, and just be one day unshaven tomorrow when we see my parents. but of course he hasn't thought anything about this, so this morning when he's still asleep at the point at which he'd have to get out of bed RIGHT THEN to have time to shave before work, i wake him up and remind him of the shaving thing and kick him out of bed. it turns out that he doesn't shave after all, because he wants to be really sure to be on-time for work (he's been late a lot recently, due to the oversleeping). it's cold and raining outside, and as we're getting ready to leave, i ask him if he would drop me off at work on his way (i usually bike). now, my work isn't really on his way, but it's only a 10-minute detour for him. he resists, because the detour will make him late for work. finally, i just tell him to go, and get all bundled up in my rain gear and head out on my bike. now, it's not the worst thing in the world, to have to ride my bike in the rain. it's not far, and i have appropriate waterproof gear. but, it would have been *nice* to get a ride. and i'm thinking to myself, "you've been late for work every fucking day for the last week, and TODAY is the day that you're insisting on being on-time? so you can't do me a favor? especially when you would have overslept like usual and been late like usual except that *i* was the one to kick you out of bed on-time (so you could shave, which you didn't do)? thanks. thanks a bunch." i didn't say that, but if he brings it up tonight, i will.

third (and last, i promise) example: the independent video store we rent from has a "pay upon return" policy. sunday, we rented a movie. monday, it needed to be returned (our video store charges by the day, so the longer you have it, the more it costs). if it had been me, i would have thought of that on sunday night/monday morning, and tried to incorporate the returning of the movie into my day in the least disruptive way possible. which, in his case, would have been to take the movie with him when he left for work, and to swing by the video store on the way home to return it. of course, he didn't do this. instead, at 9.30 last night, we had to make a special trip, in the rain, to go out to return the movie. so again, his lack of anticipatory planning has negatively affected my life.

i'm ranting about this here because i'm trying to come to terms with the idea that he's just like this, and it is just going to be my lot in life to be the planner/organizer for both of us. we've talked about this kind of thing before, and he sees the point, and makes an effort to be better, but it doesn't stick. so i guess i'm venting here so i won't get on his case tonight.

i've read discussions about this topic on several chat boards, relating mostly to parenting. it seems that especially when babies are very young, the mom is the primary caregiver. that makes a lot of sense if mom is breastfeeding, because she's going to be forced to be the primary caregiver for a while just because she's the one with the magic boobs. but, lots of new moms are complaining that the new dads are leaving ALL the baby responsibilities, not just the feeding, to the mom. like knowing when the baby needs changing, or when the diaper supply is running low, or when the baby's doctor appts are, or what the baby's sleep schedule is and how miserable everyone is when that schedule is interrupted, or if the baby needs a bath today. the general consensus is that even when mom delegates chores to dad ("hey, can you please give baby a bath and put her to bed tonight so i can get some work done on [insert important project here]?") and dad cheerfully agrees, it's still mom who is the one who has to think about what needs to be done all the time, even if she's successful at delegating. and that can be exhausting.

that's how i feel a lot of the time with karl. there's no baby in the picture, but i do feel like i'm the one who has the constantly updating mental to do list, and so even when i ask him to do something (prepare for a trip, remember to take the movie with him so he can return it on the way home) i still have had to do the mental work of keeping life running smoothly. it IS psychologically exhausting. and i have no idea how to break the cycle.

do any of you have this experience? maybe even from the other side (you're the one being delegated TO, rather than the one doing the delegating)? do you find it difficult? have you successfully managed this problem, or just resigned yourself to it?

update: foreign service + dissertation

22 November 2005 - 1:26 pm

whizzy fast update! cuz i'm busy! supposedly!

finally got a problem cleared up with my medical clearances for the foreign service. found out that my security clearance is done, and that it was just this one thing they were waiting for to finish up the med stuff. so, i 'spect to be hitting the register of eligible hires) soon, at which point i'll be eligible to be hired (what a surprise). i think they've already done all the hiring for the january a-100 class (the orientation class that starts every foreign service officer's career--where they teach you how to not screw up with top secret information), so i'm hoping to get called in early-to-mid january for the march 6 a-100 class. now, if i can just finish up that pesky dissertation...

segue to... the dissertation! i've written 78 pages. which is the entire experimental section of the diss. still to write: lit review, general discussion, references, appendices (hoping not to have any, actually), acknowledgements (generally said to the be most important part of the diss, since it's the only part your committee will actually READ, to see what you've said about them), table of contents, list of tables, list of figures, abstract. i think that about covers it. all told, i'm guessing it'll end up being ~120 pages. after writing, i also have to put together my defense talk, a one hour powerpoint presentation of the last 8 years of my life. sigh...

here's hoping i can finish this up sometime before that march a-100 class starts.