emotional tangles

so this whole thing with daniel and laura is complicated. laura had a huge obsession with daniel for a long time. she has recently gotten fed up with his irresponsible friendship (cancelling on her all the time, etc) and has decided to let go of all emotional attachment/desire she had for him. "he can bite me" is a common phrase used in association with daniel.

though she claims to be over him, and i think that she's telling the truth, at least based on the feelings in her head, i also think that she's still hurting about him in her heart. and it's totally not the thing to be doing to have a relationship with him with her huring. not to mention the fact that i'm not even attracted to him. don't get me wrong, he's all about "hard, not lard", and is a charming person, but i just can't get excited about him.

on top of all that stuff is, of course, my complicated feelings about john. i've really injured him, and the way i'm leading my life right now would just destroy him, if he knew about it. i think that i'm doing this out of an insecurity about my worth and attractiveness. logically, i know that my worth as a person has nothing to do with whether i'm in a relationship with a man. but emotionally, i want to be a priority in someone's life.

probably, a lot of these feelings are because my research isn't going as well as i want it too, and i'm floundering a bit in that area. i'm having doubts about whether i'm really cut out for graduate school after all, if i'll ever develop the vision needed to pursue a vibrant and important research agenda.

jared caught me looking a bit unhappy today and asked if i was okay. my answer was "yeah", but my tone said otherwise. of course, he wasn't convinced. i told him that i wasn't going to tell him. i'm a little ashamed of my behavior, and i so don't want jared to think badly of me.

a tangled emotional web.