evening with john

last night john and i had counseling. we'd been going every week while we still lived together, and since separating have decided to go once a month for the 6 months of the "separation". our june appointment got cancelled because our therapist was ill, so this is the first one we've had since i moved out.

we talked about the move-out, and how john and i have seen quite a bit of each other, actually, since i left. i even spent the night at his house one night when i was on my way down to virginia and the weather was too bad to drive. i've been enjoying (perhaps too much?) my life in philly so far--at least, the parts where i get to see my friends more often. at the same time, i'm more lonely than i've ever been.

he sent me an email yesterday with his new mailing address. it hurt. to think of him living somewhere else. without me. i know it hurt him similarly when i gave him my new address. it hurts him to think of me ever with someone else. last night, he was telling me that he's been "branching out" sexually (at least, as much as he can without a partner). and it hurts me to think of him with someone else, having sex with someone else, someone who pleases him more than me. on the one hand, i want him to be happy, and if he can find someone who is more attracted to him than i was/am, i want that for him. on the other hand, it's a blow to the ego to think of someone else giving him more pleasure than me.

so after counseling, we got dinner and a movie. after the movie, we talked for awhile. he was telling me about his "branching out" and asking me about my sexual habits since we've separated. i, of course, lied.

then, we both got very sad. the time before this when we saw each other, we spent the evening in each other's arms. it made john uncomfortable. or rather, the comfortableness of it made him uncomfortable. he so wants us to get back together, and i so can't promise that.

i walked him out, and he said he didn't want to leave, and i just can't make him feel better. i did this to him, and i'm not even sure it's the right thing to do. it's one thing when a relationship ends for reasons out of your control--then, you can be angry or resigned or whatever, but the point is, it's not your fault. in this case, it is my fault. entirely, completely, utterly, my fault.

today i got an email from him that said: "sorry about last night. i just hate this situation. it saddens, angers, frustrates, etc. me. i love you regardless of the situation, but i wish things were different."

i wish things were different too.