feeling disgusted

so all summer, and even before that, but especially since i moved out, i've been eating horribly. and i'm totally experiencing the consequences. lately, i've been feeling disgusted with the status of my body. a little background: in february of 98, i started a diet. went to la weightloss--you've probably seen the commercials on tv. anyway, i successfully lost 40 lbs and was feeling great (even though i didn't reach my goal of losing 50 lbs). but i've gained at least 10 of that back, and i'm definitely feeling/seeing it. my pants don't fit as well anymore.

so, i'm going back on the diet. it's really hard to do in this house. everyone eating all kinds of bad for you stuff, and lots of drinking. it was hard enough when i lived with john, but at least with him, i could sort of shame myself into eating right: he knew what i was supposed to be eating and i didn't want to fail in front of him, so i stuck to the plan. now that i'm on my own, i don't have anyone to be embarrassed in front of. in fact, it's the other way around: i don't want people to know i'm on a diet--i don't want to publically admit i'm not happy with my body and capable of keeping it nice looking on my own. so i eat what other people offer, even when it brownies or a triple cream cheese. ugh.

but that's got to come to an end, because i'm getting totally disgusted with how i look. doesn't help that the girls at camp are all thin little college girls. i feel like such a blob next to them.

when jason, michael, laura, and i were up on the roof, drinking and playing 'i never', one of the questions was about masturbating to the fantasy of people in the department. we even named names, and both jason and michael mentioned melissa, and her fabulous ass. i want people to think i'm sexy, i want to turn heads. so, i've got to get my flabby body into shape.

i'll keep you updated on my progress.