catch-up

john:

i've been thinking about john alot lately, and am just as unsure as ever. as i've been getting my new apartment in order, putting up pictures and things, i've come across pictures of us, john and me. pictures of us looking very happy. one of me in my long red velvet dress, and john in a suit pants, tie, and vest. it's christmas 1999, and we're about to go out to dinner. i set up the camera to take our picture, standing in front of the coat closet door in our apartment. we're smiling. our apartment that someone else lives in now. our apartment.

i waffle so much on what i want to do about john and me. how am i supposed to figure this out? my insecurities about myself and life. on the one hand, i think i want to be able to explore other relationships now. but i'm afraid of ending up alone. i'm afraid of watching all my friends get married and have children while i stay by myself. i know that having a romantic relationship isn't everything--there's plenty of life to be experienced on my own, and with friends, and even some things that are better on my own. if i want to up and move to st. petersburg or st. thomas, i can. but i'm afraid.

school:

i love my asl class. american sign language. it's fabulous. i can't wait to learn more, to gain enough proficiency to hold a conversation.

my research is still languishing. i don't have a focus, and i'm not sure what my scientific passion is. it feels awful to not be going anywhere.

the presidential campaign:

god forbid george dubbya gets elected. he scares me. if he becomes president, he'll appoint justices to the supreme court that oppose roe v. wade. a woman's right to be in charge of her own reproductive health will be in danger. he'll sacrifice the health of our national parks--the few wild places still left in america, to search for more oil. he'll put money towards a tax cut for everyone--sounds great in theory, but in practice the money to pay for a tax cut for the wealthy (for whom 5% is alot of money) will have to come from other places, like education, health care, social security, environmental programs, and artistic foundations. is it worth it? not in my opinion. i guess we'll see come november if it's worth it to the american people...

the piggies:

guinea pigs, that is. i've got two, wuza and miss fergusson. they were mine and john's, but they live with me, now. they'll be 3 years old in november and december, respectively. i've been trying to find a new bedding solution for them. john and i were using carefresh brand bedding, which is made from pre-consumer recycled paper. unbleached, unrefined. good for the piggies, good for the environment. expensive. only fairly good at odor control. the best solution would be for the piggies to use a litter pan, but they don't seem to want to. i've been trying to train them, with little success. i've switched to using aspen wood shavings. it's cheaper, by about half. the verdict is still out about odor control. it's less attractive, because the piggy poops show up better against the aspen than they do against the carefresh. jeez, i wish they would just freakin' use the litter pan!

finances:

my road trip totally drained me, financially. i couldn't pay my credit card bill in full for the first time in august. the bill was $1300 or so, and i could only afford $900. then the bill for september was the $400 left over plus over $1000 new, from my trip. i couldn't afford to pay that at all. this month, i paid the $400 and some on my other credit card (that i was using to avoid racking up any more charges on the first credit card that they could charge me interest on), and $200 on the now $1500 bill on my new one. i'm really trying to keep a handle on my spending, so that i can make a dent in these bills. hopefully soon i'll get back out of debt. august was the first time ever that i didn't pay my bill in full, and i find it stressful to have debt, especially debt with a 20% interest rate.