ben got engaged

my ex-boyfriend ben, who i dated for 4 years, senior in high school to fourth year of college, just got engaged. i read it on his web page. i broke up with him because i was seeing john. well, of course the story's more complicated than that. i broke up with him because we just weren't right for each other. but at the time, i happened to be seeing john, and john was definitely the catalyst for breaking up with john. ben knew about john, btw, and was fine with me seeing him. we had an open relationship.

anyway, i assume he's engaged to darby, a 2000 graduate of uva, who i met (briefly) when i was in charlottesville for my sister's graduation. they've moved to oakland california. i remember when ben and i were making plans to move somewhere (maybe boston, maybe someplace else) together after i graduated from college. turned out that we were no longer together when i graduated from college. such is life. i don't want him back, but i feel a little bit hit in the stomach with this news. i think my current situation with john, combined with the fact that i was once planning on being ben's wife, is the source of this feeling.

to elaborate on the current situation thing, it's not just that i've just come off a long-term serious headed toward marriage relationship. it's also that i'm starting to feel the marriage pressure. on the one hand, i want to live the single's life: dating, casual, free. on the other hand, i want the emotional security of a committed relationship. at 25, i'm starting to feel like everyone around me is getting married, leaving me out in the cold, so to speak. i know this isn't really true. but the irrational fear is there, no matter how irrational it is.

why can't i just be the secure, independent, happy person i want to be?