time erosion

so i was just looking through some older entries, and came across this one about john. that entry was, until now, listed as my "current feelings about my ex" in my quick & dirty entry. but, as usually happens, my feelings have changed as time has smoothed the raw edges.

i lived with john for nearly 3 years. dated him for 4. was engaged to be married to him. and now i find it difficult to remember how it *felt* to be with him. i remember lots of the details about living with him: he did all the grocery shopping; we split the laundry; he woke me up in the mornings after his shower with feather kisses on my face; he ate a lot of peanut butter and drank a lot of minute maid fruit punch; he bought me a guinea pig for christmas our first year living together; he rubbed my head (which is one of my favorite things). i remember all this, and much more, but i don't remember what it felt like to kiss him. i remember sex being good, but not exactly how it felt. breaking up with him was the hardest thing i've had to do in my life so far--i loved him (still do) and didn't want to hurt him. was unsure whether i was doing the right thing. but, as time has passed, the hurt has faded (helped in no small measure, i'm sure, by karl, and by knowing that john is seeing heather).

we used to see each other every day. now, i barely talk to him twice a month. i miss having him as a friend. i miss the future that we had planned, even though i look forward to whatever future is in store for me. time is separating us. john will graduate with his ph.d. sometime in early 2002, and will get a job, and probably move out of the area. i will see him even less than i do now. i miss him, and will miss him more. he was my best friend. we're still close, but of course there are things that are off limits to talk about. it makes me sad that things like that have to happen. why does love and friendship have to be so complicated? (rhetorical question, of course)

all that said, think for a moment about the amazing human ability to adapt--i don't remember the details of how it *felt* to be with john, or how much it hurt when the break-up was new. though it's true that i don't remember the amazing good times i had with him (well, i remember the *times,* just not exactly what it *felt* like), and that's a bummer, i also don't remember the hurt, and that's a blessing. imagine how debilitating it would be if we remembered in all it's gory detail how much the painful moments in our lives hurt. we'd never get out from under the covers. evolution done right by us, i tell you what.