depression -> desire for john

i've been depressed recently. i've never been depressed before (just sad), and so it's a new experience. total lack of motivation. ugh.

the major areas of my life are full of woes: money woes (my trip drained the bank, and now i've got credit card debt for the first time ever), school woes (am i cut out for this? why can't i come up with a viable research agenda? should i (do i want to) be in grad school at all?), love woes (you know all about that), and self-image woes (the weight thing. i was happier thinner.)

anyway, all these woes are making me miss john. the shoulder to lean on. the comforting hug. the ears to listen. the mouth to encourage with words and kisses. i think i'm just missing him because i'm depressed. but right now i want him back. i want him back. i have to keep telling myself that once i get out of this funk i'll feel differently. even now i realize that i still don't feel the physical attraction to him that i should, if i want to have a successful relationship with him. 'course, could be that the depression is causing the lack of attraction...

i've been thinking about what i'm going to do in a month, when i have to make the Final Decision about what we're going to do. break up? get back together? my brain tells me i should break up with him, because of the lack of physical attraction, not to mention the other stuff. and that we should break up because it would do us both good to see other people. maybe i'd realize what i'm giving up. not that i have any prospects for "other people". i could certainly tell john that we have to break up because i'm depressed, and though my feelings are telling me to get back together with him, i can't trust my feelings now, given the depression. that i have to get back on my emotional feet first, then think about getting back together. because i don't want to end up back together with him, then get out of this depression, then realize that i want to be broken up and have to break up with him all over again.