going our separate ways

on 14 november 2000, john and i had a councelling session. we decided, after a long, uncomfortable, sad hour, to go our separate ways. he asked if i had any strong feelings about what it would take for me to decide--and if another month of thinking about it would help me make up my mind. it wouldn't. he said he didn't want me if i didn't want him. can't argue with that.

jackie (our counsellor) said she thinks i lost my adolescence. maybe i did, in a way, to horribly low self-esteem. hypothesis being that i didn't have my teenage fun while i was a teenager, so i'm feeling the need to have it now. could be, i suppose.

i was talking to laura the other night about the break-up. she mentioned (as she has before) that one of the big problems between her and dyon (aka "that man") is that he's a low-sensory-threshold, happy-to-putter-around-the-house kindof guy, and she's a high-sensory-threshold, always looking to learn/do something new kindof gal. she wondered if perhaps john and i were of the same ilk. though john is certainly not a putterer to the same degree that dyon is, i think there may be some truth to that. what i've always considered to be a certain lack of "adventurousness," loosely defined.

but i think there's something else too, something that has to do more with me. i feel like i'm an adventurous person, always looking to learn or experience something new. but i find it difficult to find the motivation within myself to actually get off my ass/couch and go and learn/experience that something new. i (ashamedly) find myself wishing i had a life partner who would also be interested in learning/doing new stuff, and who would be the instigator in beginning such activities. john is definitely not that person. however, i then ask myself, why can't i be the instigator? i'm sure john would be willing (well, somewhat willing, anyway--remember the swing dancing fiasco) to do new stuff, if i would start us out. and that brings me 'round to the point that if i want to be the kind of person i want to be (lively, adventuresome, successful, interesting, and interested), then i need to figure out how to be that person without relying on someone else to do it for me. i need to learn to be happy and satisfied with myself, by myself.

meanwhile, a sadness had descended over my life. and john's, as far as i can tell. our day to day lives haven't changed any--we still talk, and we're getting together this weekend to celebrate john's 25th birthday (god, i bought him his first legal drink on his 21st birthday, 4 years ago). maybe one day i'll want him back. maybe he'll still want me back, too. he told me, the night of the break-up, that if i came to him and wanted him back, he'd take me back, no i-told-you-sos.